Vampires in Oz
by HighOnCookies
Summary: A parody of The Wizard Of Oz. After a tornado strikes Forks, Alice and Edward must find their way back to their family and true loves. Set before Breaking Dawn.
1. Tornado

**Something that's been in my head for a while. Just a fic for laughs, nothing more.**

**I do not own Twilight or the Wizard of Oz.**

* * *

"Alice!" a female vampire called for her adopted daughter. "Edward!" she called again, for her son this time. "Carlisle!" she yelled for her husband.

Carlisle heard his wife's call and was at her side in a second. "What is it, Esme?"

"There's a tornado coming," said Esme. "And I don't know where Alice and Edward are!"

"They're vampires, Esme," Carlisle said, trying to calm her down. "Whatever happens to them, they can survive."

"But what about Bella?" she said. "If it takes them an eternity to come home, what would happen to Bella?"

Carlisle shook his head. "I haven't the heart to change her," he said sadly.

"So if she dies, Edward will, too."

Carlisle let her cry her tearless sobs, leading her to the safety of the garage. He worried for his children just as much as she did.

* * *

"Alice," a male vampire said, golden eyes narrowed. He had obviously just hunted. "We've been at the mall for three whole hours. Can we go now?"

"Edward," Alice replied, mimicking his tone exactly. "You've needed a new shirt for days. I can't stand watching you wear the same one more than twice."

Edward sighed. "Just grab something blue," he said, thinking of Bella.

* * *

"It sure is dark," Alice said as she and Edward climbed into her car. As she was getting into the driver's seat, she froze as if she was having a vision.

Edward was too busy listening to the thoughts of some random boy who was falling in love with Alice to see her vision. Edward made sure not to give a description of this boy to Jasper…

"Edward," said Alice, climbing into the car, "as soon as we get home, we have to hide. A tornado's coming that can - and likely will - knock your head off."

Edward pulled his mind from the boy's and slowly turned around. "What about Bella?"

"She knows. She's hiding with Charlie. That's how I saw it."

Edward nodded. "All right. Let's go before we get blasted away from Forks."

* * *

They had just returned to the house when the tornado arrived. The other vampires were hiding, though their lives were not in any real danger. Alice and Edward were just about to join them when their house got hit.

The brother and sister tried to stay still, but it had such force it knocked two living stones into the air, along with their entire house and several trees.

With a hard thud, Edward landed on the ground, and with another sound, more like the bang of stone on stone, Alice landed on him.

With the speed normal for her kind, Alice leapt off her brother and danced to the door. The second she threw it open, she went absolutely still. Five minutes passed, and Edward hadn't heard a single thought from her. He hadn't even heard her breathe.

Deciding to investigate, Edward made his way to the door as well, and his golden eyes picked up a bunch of color. Oh, so much color…

"Edward," said Alice weakly. Well, she hadn't breathed in five whole minutes, of course her voice was weak. "I have a feeling we're not in Washington anymore."

Edward was still getting used to all the color. Still far too much of it.

"What was your first clue?" he said. "The bright sunlight, the swirly-twirly road, or the little eyes watching us from behind the bushes?"

"Sunlight," Alice murmered, and stuck her hand out. Yes, she still sparkled, though less vibrantly.

"What are you doing?" Edward yelped, pulling it back in. "We can't go out in _daylight_, are you out of your _mind_?"

Alice blinked slowly, not because she needed to, but because she couldn't believe her eyes.

"It's not as bright as usual," she told him in a low voice that only vampires and werewolves could hear. And with that, she stepped out into the dazzling sun.

Edward had always known his sister was borderline crazy. But now, she was way beyond borderline. She had gone completely _mental_.

"See?" she continued, in the same voice. "We can sparkle, and no one will…oh my," she gasped, and Edward saw it all too clearly in her mind. A pair of feet stuck out from under the house, only sparkling red shoes sticking out.

"The Witch of the East is dead!" a voice cried. "She of the Sparkly Skin has killed her!"

"_Munchkins_," Edward groaned.

"I haven't killed her!" Alice said.

Edward gave her a pitying look. "Ding-dong, the witch is dead," he sang quietly. He stepped out of the house.

"And she has a brother!" a munchkin said.

"Here comes the Witch of the North!" a second munchkin cried.

Alice and Edward looked up, and saw a familiar face in a giant bubble.

"Bella!" said Alice, bouncing like a cartoon character on caffeine.

"Bella?" the Bubble-Witch said. "Well, that's one thing you can call me, I suppose. My name is Isabella, and I am the Good Witch of the North. What about you? Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

"Oh, I'm not a witch at all," said Alice brightly. "I'm a vampire."

Edward glared at her.

"All right," said Isabella. "Are you a good vampire, or a bad vampire?"

"Oh, a good vampire."

Isabella smiled at her. "All right, then. People of Munchkinland!" she said. "These vampires have saved you from Victoria, Witch of the East! A celebration is called for!"

"Not before I make my claim on the shoes."

The Munchkins gasped.

"It's the Witch of the West!" one screamed.

A smile played on the witch's beautiful face. "Thank you for the introduction. _Rosalie_ is such a hard name for you Munchkins to pronounce, isn't it?"

She was Rosalie, yes, but she was Rosalie as she had been when she was human: she did not sparkle, she was slightly less beautiful, and her eyes were an electric blue color. A witch's hat was sitting on her head, and she had a broomstick clutched in her right hand, just as Isabella had a wand.

"I want those shoes, Isabella," she told the good witch. "Victoria had preferred me to our fellow witches and had told me the shoes were in my right should she ever die."

"I'm afraid you're too late, Rosalie," Isabella said calmly. "The shoes have already chosen a new owner." And she waved her wand at Alice.

Edward's eyes wandered to his sister's feet. The shoes had appeared, sparkling just as much as Alice herself. "How did that happen?"

"I don't know," said Alice, "but I like them."

Rosalie screamed. "I don't know who you are or where you came from," she said, pointing a finger in Alice's face, "but by the time you leave Oz, I will have those shoes!" She climbed onto her broom and began to rise. "I'll get you yet, Glitters…and your brother, too!"

And she zoomed off.

"Very fitting," said Edward. "Rosalie as a witch."

"Oh, Angela," Isabella sighed, "it seems your student in good-witchery has flown off the handle again…"

"Is Angela the Good Witch of the South?" Alice asked.

Isabella smiled. "As a matter of fact, yes…but she can't help you. As you can see, she has enough on her hands with training Rosalie. Besides, even our power can't reward you with what you truly want."

"You mean you can't get us home?" Edward asked.

Isabella shook her head. "Unfortunately. But there is still someone who can. A great and powerful Wizard of Oz. Simply follow the yellow brick road, and you should reach the Emerald City, where the Wizard lives."

Edward sang under his breath. "We're off to see the wizard…"


	2. Scarecrow

Despite the fact that they were vampires, the Cullens were going down the yellow brick road at a normal human speed. Well, Alice was, and Edward didn't want to get to the wizard without her, just in case the wizard couldn't get them home, so he was a few steps behind her, ranting to himself, wishing he could see if Bella survived the tornado.

"Munchkins, Alice," Edward said after a while. "Can you seriously tell me we aren't completely _insane_?"

"Probably." Alice was skipping happily down the road, the glittery shoes - Edward still had no idea how they had gotten on her feet in the first place - hit the yellow bricks and made a slight clip-clopping sound. "We can go home, and the wizard might help us."

"Alice, in the fiction, the wizard was a liar. Dorothy clicks her shoes together, and that's how she and her mutt get home." An idea hit him, and he held on to her wrist. "Alice, click the shoes together and say _There's no place like home_."

Alice raised an eyebrow and pulled free. "Edward, I refuse to believe that the wizard is a liar until I see him myself. So, I'm dragging you with me."

"Then give me the shoes."

Alice giggled. "You'd look a bit ridiculous in red high heels, wouldn't you?"

A ferocious snarl, low and menacing, came from Edward.

"Man, that was scary!"

The vampires looked around. They could have sworn they heard the voice of…

"Emmett?" Edward asked.

"That's my name! At least, I believe it is."

The voice was close, but neither vampire could see their brother. Merely a land spot filled with corn, a few crows, and a scarecrow.

"Not funny, Emmett," Edward growled. "Why don't you come out where we can see you?"

"You mean you can't see me?"

"Edward!" Alice gasped, pointing at the scarecrow. She didn't need to: Edward had gotten close enough to see that the scarecrow had a face that resembled Emmett's...not to mention that there were huge lumps of straw in place of Emmett's muscles.

"Emmett, what have they done to you?" Edward cried dramatically. Alice had untied Emmett before he could blink, and the scarecrow fell to the ground.

Emmett stood up and leaned on Edward for support: his straw legs weren't used to walking. "Oh, thank you. You see, I've been stuck on that pole for an awfully long time…" A rainbow on Alice's face seemed to catch his eye. "Hey…I didn't know people could sparkle. Well, I don't know anything, really, but I've never seen someone with such sparkly…" he poked her, then pulled his hand back, "or cold skin before."

"Well, 'people' isn't necessarily a word used to describe us," Alice said casually. "Now, if you don't mind, my brother isn't a statue: you can't lean on him forever."

Emmett let go of Edward and attempted to walk away, only to fall on his face.

"What are you, anyway?" Emmett asked once he stood up.

"We're va-" Alice began, but Edward practically teleported to her and covered her mouth.

"Trying to find the Wizard and get home," Edward finished.

"The Wizard?" Emmett asked. "Can I come? I really need a brain."

"Obviously," Edward muttered.

Emmett either ignored him or missed the comment. "Why, if I had a brain, I could actually do my job as a scarecrow." A big crow landed on his straw muscle. "Go on, shoo. Get off. Move, or I'll kill you." The crow just stood there and pulled a piece of straw from Emmett's neck.

"Allow me," Edward offered, then hissed at the crow. It dropped the straw and flew away, the hundred or so other crows following.

"You weren't scared of that?" Alice said.

Emmett laughed. "It was scary enough, but the only thing that can scare me is a fire, and there isn't much of that here."

"Well, why don't you come with us? I'm sure you'll get a brain if we make it to the Emerald City."

Edward pulled Alice away.

"Alice, think of Jasper. He's got to be scared to death for you."

Her eyes shone like she was going to cry, but it wasn't possible. "Yes. I know. But we can't just leave Emmett here, even if he isn't the real Emmett. He'll get eaten by the crows."

Edward sighed. "Fine, but if Jasper believes you're dead, don't blame me if he goes and kills himself."

"Don't say that, Edward," Alice said as they made their way back to Emmett(who, by now, was going through the song "If I Only had a Brain" from the movie). "Jasper is going to go look for me as soon as he can: which may be difficult if he's going to have to appear human, too. Even with Emmett, we still have a chance of being home by then."

"I hope so," said Edward said, going back to thinking - and worrying - about Bella.


	3. Carlisle's Story

About a mile afterward, Alice suddenly stopped walking. Edward stopped in time, but Emmett crashed into him.

"Do you hear something?" Alice asked.

Edward tried to listen. Sure enough, he heard a faint mumbling, about five minutes away.

"Hear what?" asked Emmett.

Edward lifted the scarecrow off the ground as he and Alice took off, vampire-speed. Emmett yelled something about the speed, but neither cared. Besides, Emmett thought it was fun.

After the sudden stop, they came across another vaguely familiar face, made of metal rather than marble, and rusted so that he could not move.

"Not Carlisle, too!" Edward moaned.

Tin Carlisle grunted, but not even super-hearing could make out what he said. However, Edward was looking in the bushes while Emmett and Alice debated what Carlisle had said.

"He wants to own a dead man's hand?" Emmett asked.

"He wants to fly like Peter Pan!"

"He said 'oil can,'" Edward explained.

"Oil can what?" said Emmett as Edward found the thing.

Edward growled, and the scarecrow shut up. Alice squirted the oil on her adopted father's face, thinking about how she would never have been able to do this to the Carlisle they left in Forks. She thought about the smell of the stuff, too: horrible.

After a while, Carlisle could talk again. But he didn't say much before Rosalie appeared.

"Well, Glitters?" she asked Alice. "Are you going to hand me my shoes or not?"

"Rosalie, I might need them to get home," Alice explained.

"The Wizard can get you home easily enough."

"Wow…" Emmett breathed, looking at the blonde witch. "She's _beautiful._"

"Yes," Edward agreed reluctantly, "but she is very dangerous, too."

Emmett stared at Rosalie, not hearing Edward at all.

"The shoes, Glitters," Rosalie said. "Or you and your friends die."

Emmett looked perfectly fine with death, as long as Rosalie was the one who killed him. Carlisle, however, took a step forward.

"Rosalie, I suggest you leave…now."

Rosalie's blue eyes narrowed at the tin man. "So be it. But cross me again, and I will not pause in my murderous rampage. Even for you, cutie," she said, pointing a finger at the scarecrow before hopping on her broom and zooming off.

"How do you know Rosalie, Carlisle?" Emmett demanded. "When's her birthday? What's her favorite color? Does she…" He was silenced when Edward pulled a lump of straw from his arm and shoved it in his mouth.

"I don't know her well," Carlisle told him. "Only well enough to say that she will stop at nothing to get what she wanted. For I once loved a human girl, Esme by name. We planned to marry, but Rosalie had had a bad experience with marriage, and she wanted to save everyone from her fate, I suppose. So as I was chopping wood, she turned me into a tin statue, rusted, unable to move. The last time I could talk was when Isabella brought me that oil can." He pointed at the object on the ground.

"We're going to see the Wizard," said Alice. "Do you want to come with us? I'm sure he'll be able to give you what you want most…" She stopped. "Do you want anything, Carlisle?"

"When I turned to metal, my heart was lost. I would do anything to have a heart again…to feel my love for my Esme once more."

Alice nodded once. "Edward and I have our true loves waiting for us at home. We need to get back. Emmett needs a brain, too. Care to join us?"

Edward groaned. "Why do I get the feeling this will only get worse as time goes on?"


	4. Vampires and Wolves and Poppies: Oh, my!

**Let me announce this fact: I like Jacob. I was Team Switzerland since the first book. However, there was also no way I would pass up a chance like this.**

* * *

Edward sighed. They were going too slow for him. He wanted to make sure Bella was ok, and it was taking too long. Not to mention Alice couldn't even tell if they would make it home, having her vision obscured by a statue and a straw man.

"The yellow brick road goes through the forest," Alice said.

Edward shrugged. "So, let's go!"

Not far into the woods, a low growling sound came from behind the trees. An enormous red-brown wolf jumped out. Emmett cowered in fear, but the others, having been made of stone/tin, had nothing to be afraid of.

Edward growled back, and the wolf whimpered. Then, it started crying and talking.

"Why'd you do that?" he demanded. "I was just trying to get you out of my f-forest…"

"Jacob Black?" Alice and Edward asked in unison.

"Who's Jacob Black?" Emmett asked.

The wolf cowered away from the vampires. "Y-You s-smell funny," he whimpered.

"So do you," Edward muttered.

"I don't want to hurt you," Carlisle told the wolf. "None of us do."

Edward opened his mouth to disagree, but was silenced with a sharp jab in the ribs from his sister. It didn't hurt him, but the crack made Jacob jump.

"What was that?" he demanded, spinning around. His fur was standing up in every direction.

Edward crossed his arms. "Alice, don't you dare."

Alice shrugged. "It was just a suggestion, Edward."

"There is no way I'm going to follow some nonexistent road with the werewolf! I don't care if he's Bella's best friend in real life, because I'm ready to bet he and Isabella have no friendship at all in this place!"

Emmett, Carlisle, and now Jacob were all watching as the siblings argued, Jacob forgetting all his fears.

"Do they do this often?" Carlisle asked Emmett.

Emmett shrugged. "Not sure. Maybe."

Edward sighed at the same moment. "All right, all right, we'll take him along. But if he gets attacked by _anything_, we are leaving him behind."

Alice rolled her eyes.

"And don't call me that," Edward snarled.

*

Meanwhile, up in a beautiful castle, a blonde witch examined the pack(if you'll forgive the expression) of travelers through a crystal ball.

Rosalie sighed. "It wouldn't have to be like this if Little Miss Sparkle had just surrendered," she said to herself. "She's only made it that much harder."

Waving her fingers over the ball, Rosalie put a spell over a field of poppies. They seemed to quiver slightly from her magic.

*

"Wow, they're pretty," Emmett observed, looking at the field of poppies.

Edward sniffed. "They don't smell right to me," he stated.

Alice followed her brother's action, and wrinkled her nose. "Edward's right. These things stink, and I've never liked the smell before."

Jacob gave the vampires a weird look. "I'll admit, they do smell different, but there's not much we can do about..."

He didn't say the last word, and collapsed into sleep.

Carlisle prodded the sleeping animal gently. "Should we carry him?" he asked.

"Forget that, he's too heavy!" Emmett protested. Despite his large straw muscles, he was still only a scarecrow. "We could leave him, and maybe the Wizard can wake him up."

"I don't think so," said Edward, remembering the actual story.

Alice took a deep breath and called, "ISABELLA!"

"Isabella?" Edward asked, stunned. "Why Isabella?"

"Isabella might be our last hope," Alice informed him. "If Jacob is to come with us, he has to wake up. The vampire smell didn't work, and we can't carry him."

"We could," Edward reminded her, but was distracted by the snowflakes falling quickly through the air and landing on everything and everybody. He could have sworn he caught a little of Isabella's scent with them - almost exactly like her human counterpart in Forks, but much less tempting to Edward.

Jacob twitched, yawned, and finally stood up. He blinked sleepily before shaking the snow off of his fur. "Well, are we going to see the Wizard or not?"


End file.
